True love. What a great feeling! Books, movies and songs are made about it. We all tend to think there is one true love for us and we can't be eternally happy until we find it.
So we search all over and finally find someone and it does feel fantastic - for about the first six months or so. During this time, we feel totally loved and we love everything about our new mate.
After about six months or so we find that the feeling of true love begins to fade some. We start to have little arguments and conflicts. We notice we want a little space or we get hurt that our mate wants some space. What happened to true love. Is it lost?
No, it isn't. This is going to happen for all of us. Researchers have found that relationships have phases. They call the first phase of a new relationship the oceanic love phase. This is where everything is great and we feel so loved and loving towards our mate. It is a powerful bonding phase. It feels great.
But then, the research finds, we all move out of that phase into the me/us phase. In this phase, we differentiate, we separate some, we get back to working on our own goals and interests, we don't want to spend ALL our time with our mate. We start having some conflicts with our partner in this phase. This is normal and healthy and natural.
If we didn't move apart some, we wouldn't be able to function well in the world. We'd be a merged mess with our partner, trying to get all our happiness from each other, which doesn't work long term. We each have to move on with our lives separately and as a couple, we have to take our journeys.
So here's the thing. If you want to keep true love, you have to adjust. Don't give up when the oceanic love phase passes. You have to learn that it is deeper than just the first strong physical attraction. You have to figure out that it is about loving the whole person, with their strengths and weaknesses.
So we search all over and finally find someone and it does feel fantastic - for about the first six months or so. During this time, we feel totally loved and we love everything about our new mate.
After about six months or so we find that the feeling of true love begins to fade some. We start to have little arguments and conflicts. We notice we want a little space or we get hurt that our mate wants some space. What happened to true love. Is it lost?
No, it isn't. This is going to happen for all of us. Researchers have found that relationships have phases. They call the first phase of a new relationship the oceanic love phase. This is where everything is great and we feel so loved and loving towards our mate. It is a powerful bonding phase. It feels great.
But then, the research finds, we all move out of that phase into the me/us phase. In this phase, we differentiate, we separate some, we get back to working on our own goals and interests, we don't want to spend ALL our time with our mate. We start having some conflicts with our partner in this phase. This is normal and healthy and natural.
If we didn't move apart some, we wouldn't be able to function well in the world. We'd be a merged mess with our partner, trying to get all our happiness from each other, which doesn't work long term. We each have to move on with our lives separately and as a couple, we have to take our journeys.
So here's the thing. If you want to keep true love, you have to adjust. Don't give up when the oceanic love phase passes. You have to learn that it is deeper than just the first strong physical attraction. You have to figure out that it is about loving the whole person, with their strengths and weaknesses.
And understand that conflict will occur even with true love. Two healthy adults will pull in separate directions from time to time. True love includes conflict and working things out when they get a little uncomfortable, not running away. You don't get to keep true love until you learn it is bigger than just the fun times.
By John Laney. 
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